A little vent

I know I’ve mentioned it, but never really talked about our infertility journey here on this blog. I swore I wouldn’t. I swore this would be a positive place filled with only positive things, but honestly, that’s not life and it’s certainly not mine. This is my blog and there is no sense in having it if I’m not going to be honest even when things are rough.
Ran goes to the urologist tomorrow for further testing. I’m having a more emotional time tonight than I thought I would. This has been a long time coming and I thought I was fine, but I’m not fine. I’m not scared, I’m just annoyed. We deserve this. We deserve a child. We deserve to become parents and I hate that it’s so difficult for us.
We started trying to conceive as soon as we got married. We got married 2 years and 3 months ago. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with Endometrious. I’ve had 2 surgeries for it. When I started seeing my new dr this year we found out I never had Endometrious. My scar tissue was due to the first surgery I had to correct the issue. The OB took out a duct that was never suppose to be removed. This was 10 years ago. We have no idea how it has affected my fertility since then. The 2nd surgery removed scar tissue from the first surgery giving the impression of Endometrious but only causing more scar tissue to develop. When I went to my new dr we found out I actually have PCOS with insulin resistance. I was put on medication to balance my blood sugar, but out of depression and sheer frustration, I stopped taking it.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Randy’s tests came back poorly as well. He has low motility and a low count. Where he should be around 70% he’s around 20%. It’s not the worst, but it’s not good. If I was perfectly healthy it probably wouldn’t be too big of an issue, but as I’m not, it makes us having a child that much more difficult.

Tomorrow we go in to get Ran checked again and to find out what we need to do to get him fixed. I wish I felt like this was a step closer, but it’s been so long and it’s been so fruitless I just feel like this is another step in the same spot. I feel bitter and totally whiny and really pessimistic, and I’m so sorry for that. I guess that’s just where I am tonight.

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4 thoughts on “A little vent

  1. Awe, honey! My heart goes out to you. I struggled to have a baby as well, I feel EVERY woman deserves that much. Praying for y’all today and always 🙂

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