.hello. the next day

So I’m sure most of my usual readers saw my little rant last night. Sorry about that. We went to the doctor today for the follow up on Ran’s abnormal analysis.
Let me just start off by saying, my marriage should be picked up as a sitcom. Honestly. The ratings would be through the roof! Move over Modern Family, move over Will and Grace- there’s a new quirky couple in town! Seriously, our lives are comic gold. It doesn’t happen in real life that on your way to the man-gyno (my new work for the urologist, aka sperm doctor) that your husband gets stung on the face by a yellow jacket while checking the mail. Unless you’re us of course. Poor RJ had to walk in looking like Sly Stallone to his appointment today.

Check out that kisser! That face pretty much sums up his feelings on the events of today, btw. lol

We ended up really liking the doctor. He was young and funny and not hard on the eyes either. Ran said he bet he had a hot wife. lol As far as having him on Team Johnson in our quest to get pregnant, we’re happy with him. He’s dry and sarcastic and isn’t void of a sense of humor. Perfect for us! Where as my doctor is very nurturing and calming, they’re a perfect balance to the equation. We’re lucky in that respect. The news we got wasn’t so lucky though.
He said they go by two markers. If you’re 40/40/40 (motility, count, morphology) you’re in good shape, you should have no problems conceiving and everything is pretty well in a good range. If you’re 20/20/20 there isn’t a ton they can do to help. Ran is 31/17/10. That means, his motility, while not the best, isn’t really an issue. His count is borderline at 17.1 million but it’s enough for things like IVF and IUI. The problem is his morphology being at 10%. That means out of all of his seaman only 10% aren’t abnormal, the rest aren’t really viable. He’s going in for another seaman analysis, getting blood work done to check his hormone levels, and getting a scrotal ultrasound to see if there are problems with the veins. We’ll go from there when we get all those results back.
Not fun stuff. Not fun at all. It’s not an end all, no hope, give up kind of news, it’s just a your journey is going to be this much longer and nothing is guaranteed kind of news. I don’t know which is worst honestly. We’ve lived pretty much our entire marriage so far in some sort of baby making limbo. It’s never ‘the worst case’ but it’s always “we just don’t know how or when’. It’s frustrating when the one thing you want is exactly what you can’t promise you’ll ever have. If it was 100% either way I think it would be easier. Either 100% yes, eventually you will get pregnant, or sorry but there is no way possible you will never have a child  that is biologically yours, you need to start looking at other avenues- would at least give us some since of peace and stability  It’s hard hanging out in the middle when you don’t know what your future holds.

As much as I’m gripping and whining and pouting, I want to say, I’ve very very lucky and very blessed to be going through this with my best friend. If you’re going to be going through struggle there isn’t a better person to have next to you than someone who will let you cry on their shoulder, who will laugh with you about what’s going on, who will keep you sane, who will always be there, solid and strong. RJ is my rock and I adore him and as much as it hurts to say, if we never have children, I’ll be okay with that knowing no matter what, I’ll always have him and he will always be enough. ❤


One thought on “.hello. the next day

  1. I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I just couldn’t imagine the pain you feel at times. It really is sad when those that want and deserve children can’t seem to have them and those that would rather not have them and don’t deserve them do. I hope that things start getting better for you and that you guys get the bundle of joy you so deserve! Good luck with everything in the future. Chin up guys!<3<3<3<3

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