.hello. blessings

I at least try to follow up a whoa is me post with something less depressing. When I’m having a bad day or a bad time, I find it helps me to count my blessings. Here it goes.

1) Ran-  I’m blessed with the greatest man I’ve ever known being my husband. He’s my best friend and sadly sometimes, my emotional punching bag, but he takes it and he never lets me get too far down that I can’t get back up.  He is my rock and he holds my hand through it all, good, bad, and ugly.

2) My family- I have the greatest parents (biological and in law) a girl could ask for. I have 2 mothers who force me to keep my head out of the clouds but never keep me from dreaming. Who always keep me grounded and in check. Who love me and cover me up with love when they know that I need it. Who always have an ear to talk to and a shoulder to lean on and arms that hug the bad away. I have nieces and nephews who blow me away with their talents, and interactivity, and LOVE every day. I have siblings who are always there to turn to and talk to.

3)Sam- I have a best friend who is my soulmate. Who never ceases to make me laugh and brightens my world as a whole. She knows when to give advice, and she knows when to shut up and just tell me she loves me. We’ve walked through every major event in our lives since we were 17, together.

4) My friends are the most wonderful group of people I know. They let me whine and cry and be a brat, but they’re there waiting when I come back to myself. They are encouraging and spirited, and always present and make me sure that I know, even when I feel alone, I never am.

5)My job is a daily blessing with the people I get to meet and the love I get to share. I can’t picture myself without it as it has become an extension of myself.

6) My church family, both current and past are a never ending wealth of advice and encouragement. They always know what to say and always take the time to speak to me when I need it. They are such a blessing in my life.

7) My fur babies are one thing that every day, if I want to or not, force me to get through the day. They put me on a schedule that helps when I find myself in difficult times. They are the definition of unconditional love.

There are so many more and I’ll keep add as the day goes on. 🙂

.hello. rollercoaster of emotions

We meet again, and I just WANT OFF THIS RIDE!

I finally got Ran to set up another appointment with his doctor and of course before we went he had to have another test so they could do a recheck. He took in his sample and they called and told him not to come in to his appointment, that they’d call him with the results and go from there.  I wanted to go into that appointment. I wanted the doctor to look them over and look me in the eyes and tell me what we could do. That was Thursday. This morning they called. His levels were back to normal. This should be good news and normally it would be, but his last appointment was 9 months ago. We don’t know when they returned to normal and that’s 9 months with no pregnancy. That means the infertility once again lies squarely on my shoulders.  I had such high hopes that we would go in, they would tell us his issue, fix it and then we’d get pregnant right away. It was kind of my last hope dream at the moment, but that’s gone. If I had insurance or access to a doctor, I’d be so glad about this news, but as it is, it just screws it up. I’m just getting tired, you know? Like I’ve been fighting this battle for our entire marriage and I just want to see a dot of light at the end of the tunnel. That’s it. When I think I see it it goes as quickly as it came and I’m just tired.

I also started my 36th cycle today, as if that doesn’t make it all worse. 3 straight years of being TTC. I spend so much time focusing on hope and being positive and trying to be encouraging, but today, I’m just bitter and I’m frustrated, and I’m sad.  Never would I ever have thought 3 years ago that this is where I would be. Every milestone is hard, ya know? The tears keep coming, but they don’t fix anything. I go days, weeks, months, and everything is fine, then something will happen. Droves of people I know will get pregnant at once, or a string of complaints come through on an infertility message board from mom’s who just can’t get over the hurt of not being able to conceive their 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th child, or a not so good reports comes from the doctor and eventually, as hard as I try to fight it all back, it over takes me and I have a day like today where I have to talk myself into getting out of bed (finally happened at 3pm), giving myself a list like- take a shower, brush your hair, eat something- just to get through until tomorrow. Tomorrow it will be better. It always is. But today, I am sad. Today the tears are there and ready to roll and often do.  Today, I’m just praying for tomorrow. Today I want off this ride.

*please do not post about how blessed I am, I know, trust me, I have the most amazing family, friends, job, and husband a girl could ask for, but today, I deserve to take this milestone and grieve it. I don’t give myself that luxury often.
*please do not post that God has a plan and when He’s ready I’ll have a child. I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it at least 1867319864168641 times over the last 3 years. I know he has a plan, but I’m a fly on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and today I can’t see the beautiful of it for the mess I can see while I’m on it. One day I’ll look back and know that for a fact, this was all apart of my life’s plan, but today I don’t want to do that.
*please do not give me any advice. I don’t need it. I promise. If you want to say something but you don’t know what to say, just say sorry your sad. It’s enough, I promise. ❤

.hello. so sorry!

I can’t believe how neglected I’ve let my poor blog get! Something that once gave me so much joy and release has just gotten pushed back by the wayside of life. There haven’t been any big changes in my life in the last 6 months, but we’ve been here living and I wish I’d taken at least once a week to update about it. The windows in the house got finished and they’re beautiful. The office got cleaned out, but is still a work in *never ending* progress. I opened a little side business making frames and creating other little shabby chic pieces for homes that I’m enjoying. My nephew was born and flipped my idea of true love upside down. I’ve shot lots of families, newborns, and a couple of weddings so far this year. Made a lot of new food dishes and planted a tree. I started seeing a chiropractor and it has completely changed my life. OH, and I wacked off my hair. Yep, all of it. I’m sitting pixie cut pretty over here right now.

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I also took over my mom’s Sunday School class (1st-3rd grade) and opened a local chapter of a Better Together Photography group. That’s where I’ll be tonight. I’m sorry you’ve been put down for so long, blog. Please know I missed you all the time and I promise to do better. I have lots of things to show you and to post so I will be back. Little by little. That’s a small update on my life. Look for more soon! 🙂