.hello. rollercoaster of emotions

We meet again, and I just WANT OFF THIS RIDE!

I finally got Ran to set up another appointment with his doctor and of course before we went he had to have another test so they could do a recheck. He took in his sample and they called and told him not to come in to his appointment, that they’d call him with the results and go from there.  I wanted to go into that appointment. I wanted the doctor to look them over and look me in the eyes and tell me what we could do. That was Thursday. This morning they called. His levels were back to normal. This should be good news and normally it would be, but his last appointment was 9 months ago. We don’t know when they returned to normal and that’s 9 months with no pregnancy. That means the infertility once again lies squarely on my shoulders.  I had such high hopes that we would go in, they would tell us his issue, fix it and then we’d get pregnant right away. It was kind of my last hope dream at the moment, but that’s gone. If I had insurance or access to a doctor, I’d be so glad about this news, but as it is, it just screws it up. I’m just getting tired, you know? Like I’ve been fighting this battle for our entire marriage and I just want to see a dot of light at the end of the tunnel. That’s it. When I think I see it it goes as quickly as it came and I’m just tired.

I also started my 36th cycle today, as if that doesn’t make it all worse. 3 straight years of being TTC. I spend so much time focusing on hope and being positive and trying to be encouraging, but today, I’m just bitter and I’m frustrated, and I’m sad.  Never would I ever have thought 3 years ago that this is where I would be. Every milestone is hard, ya know? The tears keep coming, but they don’t fix anything. I go days, weeks, months, and everything is fine, then something will happen. Droves of people I know will get pregnant at once, or a string of complaints come through on an infertility message board from mom’s who just can’t get over the hurt of not being able to conceive their 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th child, or a not so good reports comes from the doctor and eventually, as hard as I try to fight it all back, it over takes me and I have a day like today where I have to talk myself into getting out of bed (finally happened at 3pm), giving myself a list like- take a shower, brush your hair, eat something- just to get through until tomorrow. Tomorrow it will be better. It always is. But today, I am sad. Today the tears are there and ready to roll and often do.  Today, I’m just praying for tomorrow. Today I want off this ride.

*please do not post about how blessed I am, I know, trust me, I have the most amazing family, friends, job, and husband a girl could ask for, but today, I deserve to take this milestone and grieve it. I don’t give myself that luxury often.
*please do not post that God has a plan and when He’s ready I’ll have a child. I’ve heard it. I’ve heard it at least 1867319864168641 times over the last 3 years. I know he has a plan, but I’m a fly on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and today I can’t see the beautiful of it for the mess I can see while I’m on it. One day I’ll look back and know that for a fact, this was all apart of my life’s plan, but today I don’t want to do that.
*please do not give me any advice. I don’t need it. I promise. If you want to say something but you don’t know what to say, just say sorry your sad. It’s enough, I promise. ❤

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2 thoughts on “.hello. rollercoaster of emotions

  1. So sorry you’re having a sad day. I can’t imagine being in your shoes, although, we haven’t started TTC yet, so there may come a day where I am right beside you on this path.(due to PCOS) (of course, if that happens, I hope you are off the path by then and could just be an awesome resource for me) I will say a prayer for you. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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