And what a LONG week it has been! One week ago I saw two lines and nothing in my life has been the same since.
I think when you go into pregnancy after a loss or after infertility, you go into it in a different way. A way people who haven’t dealt with those things can’t fully understand. Every hiccup in the road is a big deal. Every feeling could be a ‘symptom’. Yes, it may be too early, but you are just hanging on with everything you’ve got to this life you’ve been given. I admire those who don’t have to panic at every cramp. I’m jealous of them to be honest. A post today on FB really bothered me. Who’s to say how other’s should feel when they’re pregnant just because it’s different than you. You don’t know what they’ve been though. You don’t know their past, and you don’t know how long they have this baby to treasure. Let them have it. Let them do what they need to do or feel how they need to feel. If it doesn’t affect you, it’s probably none of your business anyway.
My kids at school have enjoyed asking me about the baby ‘in my belly’ (one of them says). What am I going to name it? When is it going to get here? Can I kiss it? Will it play with us? I love those kids like they were my own. They are the joy of my life and I am grateful for them every single day. My job is the best in the world. It truly is. I have 11 little blessings to love every day. Their parents are amazing as well. They’ve all been so supportive of our pregnancy and always so quick to check on me. They are precious. I don’t know how people do it without so much support around them.
I started cramping and spotting on Thursday. I was at work and when I saw it I literally ran down the hallway shaking and into the arms of my director. I just sobbed. I knew it was too good to be true. Here it was. My baby was leaving me. My dream was over. I called the doctor and they got me in as soon as possible. I walked around work just shaking. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t function. Ran came and picked me up and we just tried to pass the time until the appointment. Dr. J came in 5 mins early from lunch and took me straight back. He said the spotting could be nothing or it could be the setting up of a miscarriage. He put us on progesterone and did more blood work. Tiana (my amazing and precious nurse) promised me she’d call as soon as she got the results. When I went home it just seemed easier to sleep than to dwell on what was happening. Ran turned on Alice in Wonderland and I slept on and off for 14 hours. The next morning I just laid in bed until the phone rang. Tiana was on the other line and told me my levels looked good and were rising and we were in the clear for the time being. My levels went from 2403 to 3915 from Monday to Thursday. I wept. My baby was okay. I was so relieved! We were okay! WE WERE OKAY! Prayers were poured out all over this baby and we were going to be okay!
I spent the rest of the day walking on air. We walked around and went shopping and life was good. We had to go by Office Max to get some ink and folders for Ran’s resumes. While we were there I got dizzy and sick feeling. I just figured I got over heated or something. I went and sat in the car and waited for Ran to cash out. I fell asleep on the way home which was very unlike me. I figured out it’s something that happens when you’re on progesterone. Just a part of it. I sat in the living room for a while when I got home and when I got up to go to the restroom there was blood. Much more than before. Again I panicked. The doctor’s office was closed and when Ran called the after hours number they told us to get to the ER. We met his parents there and we waited on them to take me back. Once I got settled into a ‘room’ they tried to take blood and once again it proved very difficult. They ended up running an IV in my wrist. It was SO painful. They check my levels again.We waited and waited and waited. I felt myself shut down. I just got numb. I wanted to be anywhere else. I wanted to not have these worries. I wanted to feel normal and I wanted to feel like I could protect my child. Obviously I was already doing a horrible job at it. After a while Ran laid his head on my arm and began to sing “You are my sunshine” softly and quietly while rubbing my stomach. We both wanted this baby so badly. Every moment we were celebrating this child. I just wept silently. We were there about 3 hours and my NP came back with my levels. 5834! They rose! A lot! There was hope! She checked my cervix which was awfully uncomfortable and praise God it was closed. This baby is holding on. We’re fighting. We’re going to get through this.
Everything someone else may find normal, fills me with dread. I hope I don’t feel this way for the next 9 months, but I just want this baby here. In my arms. Our levels looks so so good I think! We go have them checked again on Monday. At this rate I doubt I’ll have any blood left, but it’s worth it. It stinks having such crappy veins with only like 2 (less desirable) options to use.
Went we were out shopping on Friday before the scare, I found the worlds most perfect glider at Target. It looks like a regular chair. It’s gray with lighter gray piping and it swivels. Something I can see my child playing on for years to come. I also got some cute journaling cards for the pregnancy smash book I’m starting on. I’m excited to fill it up with memories of this amazing time. I really think this baby is a boy. I really really do. My mom really wants a girl. So does Ran. But I just know it’s not. I’ve been looking over boy nurseries since I have no idea what I even like when it comes to boys (I’ve always planned for a girl) and I’m really loving some Where the Wild Things Are right now. It’s my kids’ favorite book at school and we read it all the time. I wanted to do something based on children’s literature and I feel like that’s something he could grow with for a while. Who knows. We have more than enough time to plan. Being in the dreaming stage where everything is a possibility is a great place to be though.
Ran has lost his mind. lol Not really but daddy mode sure does suit him. He doesn’t want me lifting a finger which drives me mad. I don’t like to slow down. I don’t like being told I can’t do things. It’s not me. I don’t just sit around and rest. I don’t know how. I like to be busy, else I feel lazy. Every night he tucks me in then makes my lunch for work. He packs a huge lunchbox and a walmart bag full of stuff so I can pick and choose what I want. Karla makes fun of me that instead of eating a full meal I just ‘graze’. A little of this and a little of that. It’s really been working out for me though. I get fuller faster and I only eat when I’m hungry. I think I’ve lost a little weight and the doctor says that’s fine as long as I’m losing weight from being healthy. I’ve cut out so much. The only sweets I get is fruit and yogurt. The last 2 days I’ve treated myself to 32 degress froyo. Not the best but I fill it up with nuts and fruit. It could be much worse. I’m all about squash. I eat it for every meal. Green beans too. I don’t miss anything. I’m not a fan of meat right now. Maybe it’s a texture thing? I just really have to be in the mood for it. I haven’t had any bread or pasta. Dr. J told me to follow a diabetic diet and I’m doing my best. We’re doing a sugar test at 20 weeks and I’d love it to come back with flying colors. I’d also really like to drop some pounds here at the beginning. I never wanted to get pregnant this big. I never expected to. It’s not ideal but that doesn’t mean I can’t at least try to fix it. I selfishly want the easiest labor possible and getting healthier is going to be the easiest way to assist in that. We’re looking for a gym with a pool. The doctor said that was the best exercise for pregnancy and you don’t have to tell me that twice. I love to swim. I’d also love to try some yoga. I’m so stiff. I saw the chiropractor this week and he told me he wasn’t surprised that we were pregnant. He said he thought about me about a month ago and said to himself “She’s pregnant”. I thought that was really cool! He really helped my back too. I’m going to try to go about once a week or once every two weeks. I hear it’s great for pregnancy and it also helps with labor.
Over all it’s been the most stressful week of my life, but it’s kicked off the most amazing adventure we’ll ever have. I open this myself to this journey with open arms. The good the bad the ugly, I’m ready. I want to experience every minute. I am so blessed.
Oh you. You are a tricky little thing. Don’t you know you aren’t suppose to pay me back for my dramatic raising till after you get here? You’re about 8 months too early. Thanks. It’s okay. All the worry, the stress, every tear is worth it. You are worth it. Every moment my thoughts are filled with you. What will you be like? What will we be like as parents? How I’m going to make it through the next 8 months without you here is beyond me. We already love you so much. You have so many people surrounding your life with love. You are such a lucky little lovey. Your daddy is already crazy over you. Literally crazy. He tried to get me to use an electric wheelchair at the grocery store today so I wouldn’t be on my feet. Ha! That’s just not Mommy’s style. I know I’m suppose to rest, but I get bored way too easily. I have a feeling you will too. I like to stay busy. You need to let me be busy. I’ve got a lot to do before you get here. Oh but when you get here! I promise I’ll slow down. I promise I will hold you and just breathe you in. I promise there will be peace and there will be love. I promise you will be the most adored baby there ever was. You are wonderful. I just know it. I love you, baby. You are the best thing about me.
I love you more than life,