Pregnancy is really weird. Weirder than I ever thought possible. You hear a lot from pregnant women, but you really don’t know till you’ve been there. I used to hate hearing that when we were TTC. It hurt my feelings and I resented it. “Till you’ve been there.” Well it must be freaking nice to be there! WISH I WAS! As much as it shames me to say, they were right. Pregnancy isn’t something you can explain. You just have to experience it. And that experience goes one day at a time.
I thought I’d be different. I though because we had to wait so long, because we had a loss I’d be better. I wouldn’t complain. HA! When your body takes over, you have no control. I don’t mean to complain, but GEEZE this is weird! I am so grateful, so unbelievably grateful. I haven’t fully wrapped my mind around the fact this baby is really mine yet, but when you wake up daily feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck and you walk around sick, it’s kinda hard not to whine just a little. You’re worn out. You feel totally different and you don’t know what to do or how to fix it.
Another one of mine was “Who on Earth in their right mind doesn’t take their prenatal?? It’s one pill! Come on!” Um. Hi. I’m Lauryn and I didn’t take my pills more than 5 or 6 times in the first 9 weeks I was pregnant. I couldn’t! They made me SO sick and honestly it wasn’t one more think I wanted to put inside me to make everything worse. Thank GOD for gummy prenatals! Ran was so against them at first. Too much sugar, too much this, too much that. ‘Dag gum it- if you want me to take the vitamins, get me the dang gummies!’ And he did. And they are wonderful. And they don’t make me sick! Hooray! Yay for prenatals fit for a child! 😀
Ooh ooh! Or how about “I’m going to only eat organic healthy food when I get pregnant. No more junk! Only the best for my baby! It does’t have a choice what it eats, it’s up to me to make it good!” Again, HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Bwhahahaha! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The first 2 weeks I after I found out I was pregnant I only ate vegetables and fruit and nuts and yogurt. And then one day Ran packed me some meat, and I almost lost my lunch right there on the table. Then I stopped eating the vegetables. Then the fruit. There was 2 whole days where all I had to eat was rice chips. I was starving but everything sounded awful. Then I ate some Pringles and the sky opened up and the angels sang! Salt! Salt helps the nausea! Now it’s Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles and sweet tea. Do you know what I ate today? Fries on 2 separate occasions (I threw up one order of them in the parking lot not 5 mins after I ate them) and pizza. I fed my kid fries and pizza. Yep. But you know what, I took my dang prenatals!
I guess my point is, there is no sense in the stress of what other people do when they are pregnant. Or when they have kids for that matter. I’m pretty sure we’re all just doing our best to survive it the best we can. No 2 pregnancies are alike and I’ve been dang lucky with this one. You adapt to what cards you’re dealt. I say a lot about what I’m going to do with this baby once it’s born and what I’ll never do as a parent, but I’m learning, slowly but surely, I won’t know until I’ve been there.
It’s Mom. You, kiddo, gave me quite a scare today. We went in for our doctor’s appointment and we couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was so scared. You see, baby, you are the best part of me. And the best part of your dad. If something happened to you, I think I would cease to exist. I think I’d just disappear into thin air. I know that’s a lot of pressure to put on a little peach sized kid. Sorry for that. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of. And it’s a different love, baby. Different from my love for Daddy. Different from my love for Gamma or GiGi or Papa or MawMaw. Different from my love for Aunt Anna and Aunt Sam and Aunt Heather. So very different. It’s a desperate love. One I can’t give up now that I have it.
You have proved yet again, you’d rather be seen and not heard, much like your father. Dr. Johansson (Mom’s current favorite guy of all time) pulled out the sonogram wand and got to searching for you that way. We found you! And your heartbeat! (165!) I was so relieved! You weren’t moving though. That really freaked me out. You were so wiggly the last time we saw you. Dr. J held the wand right on you and talked to us for a while. I talked, but I watched you. I watched your heart beat. It is the most beautiful little flicker in the world. It amazes me that right now, for this short time, I get to see your heart. I get to watch it grow. That is something that will never happen once you are with me in my arms so I treasure it now. It is so precious to me. After a few minutes I guess you woke up because you dipped your head down and jumped with everything in you. You hopped and kicked your legs and waved your arms and curled up and popped out. You put on such a show for us! Dr. J called you a dance machine. He even typed it on your sonogram photo. I couldn’t believe it! I needed it so badly, baby. You don’t know what a gift you gave me in those few moments. I needed to know you were okay. I wanted so terribly to see what you do in there. You didn’t disappoint. You never disappoint. We’ve been blessed to see you 4 times now. You are growing so strong and so big. So big you’re due date got changed! You went from January 17th to January 11th! Please don’t come on Christmas! Mommy would like some time between all those gifts to get you. GiGi wants you to come on New Year’s Day. That would be fun. What a way to kick off the new year. I predict the 15th. I don’t know why. It seems like a good day to me. Whatever day you get here will be the best day ever. You are amazing. I can’t wait to hold you.
We started working on your nursery this week. It’s going much slower than I’d like. There is still cleaning to be done. I was hoping we’d be painting by now. Mommy has to learn patience eventually I guess. I just want your space to be done. I’m ready to finish it so you have everything you’re ready to come home to. I can’t wait to bring you home. I really think you’re going to like it here. It’s a pretty cool place. It’s not too loud and there is always a movie or music going. We dance in the kitchen and we snuggle on the couch. You have 5 older siblings you’re coming home to. They all have fur or fuzz or hair or spikes. They’re a weird group, but they’re going to love you. Everyone loves you. Because you are wonderful.
We also finalized your name this week. We each chose one and then your middle names are in honor of some of the most beautiful souls in our lives. If you are a boy you will be Oliver James Henry. James after your great great grandfather and my favorite book of the Bible, and Henry after Grandpa, the most amazing man I’ve ever known besides your Dad and Papa. If you are a girl your name will be Penelope Mae Anne. Mae after Grandma Fairy who was one of the kindest spirits you could know and Anne after MawMaw, the most important and strongest woman in my life. She is my light, right along side you and Daddy. I can’t wait for you to meet her most of all. She will love you and you will think she’s perfect, because she is. My one wish has always been that she would get to meet my children so come on, sweet one, let the time pass quickly so I can get you into her arms.
I love you, my perfect. You are my heart and soul. You are amazing and I know you are going to be such a wonderful person. My prayer for you since the night I found out about you is that you will lead a beautiful life and do something meaningful and important. I know you will. You are destined for great things. You are my sweet miracle.
I love you, my life;
But hey! 11 weeks! Yippee!!!
How far along: 11 weeks 6 days
Gender: We go July 29th, although, a 3d sonogram could possibly tell us now… I can’t wait to see what this little Sprout is!
Size of baby: A large lime!
Maternity clothes: Rocking my maternity shorts and grabbed a pair of jeans this week. I realized I can no longer fit into normal sized shirts that I’m used to. They’re too short. I sure am getting bigger for someone who can’t eat more that 2-3 bites at a time.
Symptoms: Not much to report this week. The symptoms are almost non-existant other than my meat aversion, only being able to eat a small bit at a time, and my horribly awful sore right boob. I’m not sure what I did to earn such an easy pregnancy but I’m waiting for the payback in full.
Sleep: I still have no energy but I’m not as tired as normal. When it hits though, it hits hard. I’m proud of myself for staying away during nap at work. It’s a struggle!
Best moment this week: We went to karaoke for Karla’s birthday, we’ve begin working in the nursery, we picked out our crib, and we finalized a girl name! (Penelope Mae Anne- Ran’s pick for the first name, his grandmother’s middle name, and my MawMaw’s middle name)
Worst moment this week: I’ve been having HORRIBLE nightmares! Oh my gosh! I’ve been tazed and hit by a car in the last 2 nights! WHAT????? I’ve also been having awful doubts this week that bring me to tears. For about 3 days I just cried and cried because I just knew I lost my baby. We’re so close to the safe zone, I’ll feel much better when we go to the doctor on Tuesday and I can hear his little heartbeat.
Miss anything: Sick symptoms. I feel safer when I feel sick. Sometimes this little bean sprout still gets me good to let me know he’s there.
Cravings: Loving me some Ruffles potato chips and I’m still on a pizza kick. I’m also enjoying soup which is weird considering it’s hot as can be outside and I hate soup.
Looking forward to: Our 12 week appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully Dr. J will let me get a quick scan so I can see with my own eyes Sprout is doing just fine. We should hear him on the doppler as well and it’ll be our first time hearing his heartbeat. That’ll be amazing. Finishing up what we can of the nursery. I took off work next week to get a jump on it. We’re clearing out the room, painting, laying carpet, purchasing and putting up the crib, and hopefully I’m talking my father in law to starting on the built-in bookcases I have my heart set on.
- Is the size of a small lemon or large lime. With a twist! Yeah, we’re done with the bean and nut comparisons and have moved onto fruit. Next stop, small household appliances!
- Is officially a fetus, and is downright human-baby looking with non-webbed fingers and toes, although s/he needs a lot more cooking and fattening up.
- Is moving and kicking and dancing and even hiccuping, although you won’t be able to feel the acrobatics for a few more weeks (sometime between weeks 16 and 20).
- Please, it’s just all more of the same. The pregnancy books are all yapping about how much better and less sick/exhausted/crabby we should be feeling by now, and I spent a very productive morning hurling several particularly annoying tomes at the wall.